Pain in the Butt!

I am finally catching up after being really medically frustrated since Wednesday morning. On that day, I awoke to an unbelievable concentrated pain in my backside that almost made me scream. I rushed to the bathroom which, when trying to expel whatever was inside of me, increased the burning, searing feeling to a point that Joel came in and asked what was wrong. All I could do in reply was whimper like a very whipped dog. But when I tried to wipe myself, it was with even greater mortification to see blood on the toilet tissue.

I first called my doctor for an appointment and then called work to report out for a sick day. The pain/sensitivity was unreal; it actually hurt to fart. This was not going to be the fun sort of hump day.

My general practice Doctor had an opening at 11, so I sat on pillows until that time. He asked me to describe the pain, and my response was to say that the seven deadly sins, the plagues of Egypt, all 9 circles on Hell and a hornets' nest had been shrunk to the point of a red hot needle and jammed in my backside. That at least got a laugh out of the guy, but he was seriously concerned about the bleeding. He pulled out the rubber gloves and I inwardly groaned. For the first time that day, I dropped trou and bent over the exam table as Dr NotFeelGood probed around with a lubed finger and I yelped when he touched the appropriate sensitive places.

Withdrawing from the lunar surface, he commented that there was a fissure and pus drainage, so he wanted me to see a proctologist ASAP. He wrote up the insurance referal and bounced me to a clinic less than a mile up the road. In that office, there was the usual 20 questions, forms filled and insurance card copying, then it was time to meet Dr Silver. Once again, it was bend over and drop trou, but Dr Silver had the much cooler exam bench. On his, you kneel on the bench-like end, grab the handles up near the head, and the Doctor hydraulically adjust you to the point of greatest accessiblity. Doesn't make the rubber gloving any more enjoyable, and I was certainly barking more than I did at the earlier appointment.

As Dr Silver lowered the bench back to the floor (and I wondered how many dungeons this piece of equipment might be used in), he informed me that I had developed a cyst on the rim of my anus that had abscessed and broken, which was why I was having such an intensely localized pain. Grateful for the slice of information, I asked what could be done about this little problem. He prescribed two medicines and spitz baths for the next week, then in two weeks, my first ever colonoscopy. Ack. I'm getting old.

The serious problems have subsided, my butt now just aches and gets intense during bathroom visits.

Undesired pain is such a pain.