Repost from 2/2/2008: Of Rubber Bears, Remeberance and Grandkids

The first two days of February have become very emotional ones for me these last two years. It was in 1999 that my lover, Peter "Rubberbear" Tolos died while in surgery. It was the first day of what essentially became a two year tailspin in my life. It ended with me in a hospital in 2001, recovering from severe depression and a nervous breakdown. To this day, as the end of January rolls around, I feel those pangs of guilt that somehow, I should have done more for him. In the following years, I have come to realize that the work we did together from 94 to his passing (and for me, after) has affected the journeys of many men. It plays a crucial part of my book, Skin Tight: Rubbermen, Macho Fetish and Fantasy. Up until two (now 4) years ago, February first meant me moping about, being depressed, and lighting a candle in Peter's name.

But in 2006, I was at my Mother's home helping her recover from knee replacement surgery. I had my moment of reflection that evening before going to sleep, only to be the recipient of a call the next day from my partner, Joel. He breathlessly told me that his older daughter Nomi had given birth that morning to our first grandchild, named Shoham. She has brought me so many smiles in the last months that she helps to shade the loss of Peter with the joy of new life. On the day she first called me "Sabba Tim" (grandfather), I just melted. (And I promptly gave her Ice Cream.) She has added so many little treats to Joel and my life – not too mention that of her Mothers' lives – that now I see the first days of February not as something to dread and weep over, but as something to anticipate and be excited for. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of my Peter, yet each day I think about that smiling little girl who loves to come to her granddads with her arms in the air saying "Uppy! Uppy!" While Shoham merely wants us to lift her in the air, she could just as easily be describing the affect she has given to my heart.

11 Years Ago Today

 I lost my Rubber Bear Peter Tolos. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.



John Rand took this picture of us, and it's always been my favorite.

My Amazon Movie Reviews: Moon

I'll See Yourself on The Dark Side Of The Moon 
4 Out of 5 Stars 

Sam Bush (Sam Rockwell) is in the last two weeks of a three year contract, mining fuel that can only be found on the dark side of the Moon. He talks to his plants and has his cubicle bed surrounded by pictures of his wife and daughter. The three years of isolation is taking its toll. He's seeing things, and losing his concentration. When he gets into a lunar rover to investigate a problem with one of the land strip-mining machines, he accidentally crashes, only to wake up in the infirmary with GERTY 3000 (voiced with HAL 9300 coolness by Kevin Spacey).

But something is wrong. Sam thinks there's someone else with him. And there is...another Sam. Has Sam lost his mind in the isolation and aftermath of the crash? Did he die and just hallucinate what is happening? Is there a conspiracy of clones? Is he really being rescued, as the messages from Earth suggest? Thus is the premise of Duncan Jones' (aka Zowie Bowie) "Moon." Rockwell plays himself and himself, trying to reconcile all that is happening to the twin hims in hopes of achieving wellness before he can go home. It's Science Fiction with very little science, only a lonely miner and his robot friend trying to figure out what is going on in their isolated outpost.

To that end, there are obvious parallels with modern classics like Silent Running (isolated man battles himself after greedy corporation screws everything up) and 2001 - A Space Odyssey.Rockwell plays the everyman of Sam Bush very effectively as he unravels the mystery of his predicament. It's also nice to watch a science movie where plot-lines are not connected by an endless series of explosions or CGI aliens (in fact, the special effects are largely retro in nature, something I found refreshing). Jones provides us with an ambitious debut as a director, as well...and given that the only two pop songs he inserted into the movie were ever popular "Walking On Sunshine" and one hit wonder Chesney Hawkes' "The One and Only," says a lot about him not taking easy choices.

After all, how simple would it have been to call up Dad and ask for "Space Oddity?"